Pilot

This is the end of a journey. We are now in a stage where all we can see is the night, pitch black, with only the moon to guide us as the sole light. We are almost at the top. The way was so rocky, just like we know it. But in our hearts, we all know it was worth it. All the suffering, all the crying, all the strength employed in this hike, all of it had a meaning, and it’s just so beautiful. Holding hands, we are all destined for something greater, for something that will launch us into a new world, a new view, a new sky… We will be free, finally. We will be able to live our lives the way we want it. 

But this is not just the end, and we know it. We are aware that there is a way much harder than before, waiting for us after this milestone. But just like a child filled with wonder, we will brave this way with curiosity. Just like an innocent child, we will look at the scorpion and think it pretty because it is shiny. And we’ll be disappointed, and sad, when things don’t go the way we expected. But we will heal and move on to even bigger things. We will transcend this reality that we were born in, and fly higher than ever before. We will win. 

So this is the end. But it’s also the pilot episode of this new season of our lives. 

This is me not giving up

You made the silence even more suffocating. But there was nothing I could do and, as you faded away, so did the day. 
But I can’t worry about that now. We’re in a race to the top, holding our breaths and waiting for the mountain to allow us to see the view. 

So I can’t stop to look for you now. 

But this is not the end, because I can’t let you go, at least not now, when I still hear the bells singing whenever I wake up. 

So it’s not now, but… Eventually it will be. 

And the view in front of us will be magnificent. 

Full circle

I was looking at old photos again. It seems that, everytime something major in my life is changing, I get this urge to look at old pictures and compare that time with the present, and also imagine what it would be like to travel to the past and what I would change. I know I can’t go back and stop certain things from happening, or do things I wish I had done before. But this exercise makes me remember who I am now and why. Everything that I’ve been through.

Now as I’m in a phase of transformation, of endings, of begginings, I feel this urge more than ever. I often catch myself thinking about high school and the freshman year in college, meditating about all the people I’ve met and had to let go, and all the achievements I reached.

But today I feel differently… Like some of the things in my life have come full circle.

In the past, I always used to worry about being alone forever. Now I know I’m never going to be alone. Even if I end up living completely by myself, I’ll never be alone, because my friends and family will always stay in my heart. Their love will never leave me. The happy memories will also be here, they’re engravedĀ in the stars, never to disappear.

So now I’m feeling nostalgic and, at the same time, hopeful.

Here’s to tomorrow.

What if things are not okay at the end?

What if you’ve worked so hard but you never achieve that thing you’re looking for?

The peace I’ve always wanted may not be coming at all. I’ve given my blood, I’ve given my body, my mind, my everything for it, and in the end I may not receive it.

What kind of world is this?

“Work hard”, the posters say, “and your dreams will come true”. But I’ve worked for so many days and all the good it did was give me a few health problems and a little practice on something so specific I may not be able to use it at all. What experience is this?

And she – the boss – wants me to stay longer in this job, to postpone my leave! Are you f***ing kidding me?

My chest hurts. I’m too stressed out. I can’t sleep properly. I have big challenges coming in college. My senior thesis isn’t going to write itself.

The answer is NO, Miss!

No way I’m staying longer than necessary. I’m running and never looking back.

There has to be something better out there for me.

light

What I did was out of necessity. I had to let go of some things that were dragging me down. I had to choose what is right and wrong for me, so that i can focus. To see clearly, to bring out only the best to the light. 

That’s why I cleaned out my closet. 

Donating clothes is like allowing the time associated with them to finally go away. To accept you’re not the same person that wore that shirt, so it no longer reflects who you are. And if doesn’t, you can’t keep wearing it, like a mask. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to let it go. 

That’s what I did yesterday. I looked at every single piece of clothing in my wardrobe and asked myself, “am I still this person? Does this still make me myself?” If yes, the piece stayed. If not, then it was goodbye. 

It made me feel so light, like there was nothing stopping me now. Like I was free. 

So everything illuminated. 

Try to cage me and I’ll fly even farther

I’m sorry if my words hurt you. But I know that you know they have at least some truth in them. You give me love and care. But you don’t give me freedom. Freedom to make my own choices. Freedom to have experiences. Freedom to talk to you. When I try to break free, you just give me that sarcastic smile and reinforce the shackles that imprison me to you. I can’t be what I really want to be because you make me feel like I have something to prove. So, I try to live by your standards, but I’m not happy. If I could be anywhere else but here, I would be. You don’t see what this is doing to me. I’m young, but I feel old, seeing the years slip by through my fingers without being able to do anything about it.

You don’t see me breaking.

And that’s why you’ll never see me leaving.

Just go

You’ve been through darkness
You’ve been feeling weak
Doubting if you can do it
Feeling completely alone
Your past isn’t a great one
Your memories have scratches
Sometimes you still bleed
When you touch them and remember

You feel like the light is dimming down
But look at the sun and you’ll find out
Your past may have been a great
Part of what you are but
Everyday the sun dies and again it wakes up
There’s nothing standing in your way
But your own fears
You’ve cried yourself to sleep
But this is not the time to stay still
So make a choice and take a stand
For yourself and your tears
Look at the injustice of it all
And work hard to make it fall

Because no matter how much
You have suffered and felt pain
You can still do it, you still have
The strength to keep walking ahead
Even if you think you’ll only fail
Change your mind to a brand new light
And imagine how much happiness
You’ll feel when you strive
When you reach the sun
Your wings won’t burn

Just go
Even if the fear is paralyzing you
Even if your legs are trembling
Find your center, something to live for
And just go
Never stop.