You’re trying

My mind is playing tricks on me
Making me believe in the darkness
Help me find the light I need
So I can finally get out of this
And reach the surface

It’s all so hard to do
Get up, go to work
On auto pilot most of my hours

It’s not fine
I’m not fine

This dark hole is closing in on me
Slowly

It’s not something I can control
It’s not my fault
It’s not me

There’s nothing wrong
I’m just different
I’m just trying,
Like everyone else.

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Not having

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.
I feel like the world is dying
Right in front of me, crying
For my help, but I can’t stop falling
And my throat is clogging
And my head is blazing
With so much thinking
And my heart is brimming
With so, so much feeling
And I begin believing
In some bad things, reaching
A point where I’m screeching
Inside, my heart is going
But I’m forced to keep staying
I want to run but I’m failing
And at these times a voice is screaming
The only thing that I’m assimilating:
Start writing.

Hunch

There is something wrong.
I don’t know exactly what.
There is a heaviness in my tongue,
Something lurking in the dark.

The exhaustion in my bones
Make me think I can’t even stand.
Right now I can’t be strong,
I can’t really think of any plan.

The days go on through me,
Unknown people in the crowd,
That I can’t notice for the life of me.
No one makes me turn around.

I’m trying so hard just to stay awake…
The clouds surround me in my mind…
My swimming vision is what I can’t take
But I can clearly see something is not right.

Anomie (edited)

The words on this paper
Are the only way I can
Speak about it

So many changes
So many doubts
So many possibilities
So many
Threats

I can’t let you go
But you would let me go
So easily
So readily
At the first sign of a storm

So many mixed signals
Make up your mind
Or you love me
Or you don’t
Don’t say it without meaning

I need you so much
I love you so much
I hate you so much

You don’t know
How much blood
You spilled from my heart
You don’t believe
You killed the dream
Was it only mine?
Were you out of it?
How can I believe the words
You said before?

I know it’s the truth
But your words
They hurt anyway

How can I ever trust you again?
How can I give myself to you
The way I wanted to
Ever again?

The only thing I wanted
Was for you to say
“We can try.”
But this never even
Was considered.

I can’t bring myself to care if I’m
Exaggerating
Or in the wrong

I just want to go back
And stop myself from
Putting so much trust
Putting so many expectation
On you.

Not okay

Thank you for telling me the truth
Thank you for showing me
How differently we see this thing
Between us

But
It doesn’t make it hurt less
It doesn’t make it okay
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

You destroyed my view
A whole castle came down on me
I guess I was giving this
More importance than it was worth

How can I fight for us
If you’re not in it with me?
I’m still waiting for you
To take those words back
And say you’re sorry
How pathetic I am
I’m just a stupid girl
Who thought she could recognize love

You were sincere
But sometimes I wish you just lied
So this bliss wouldn’t be broken
So we could have a chance
Did you never hear the saying
“Fake before you make it?”
What’s so wrong with believing
It could work out?
Are you that afraid of hurting?
With your ice sharp words
You killed a dream
So cruelly
Don’t you feel any guilt?

Every time I see you
The moment is stained
You stabbed through
Wearing a white shirt
But the red is everywhere.

stupid girl

you have no right to cry
you were the one
who got too attached
you were the one who
gave it all away
you put yourself in this situation
it’s all your fault
why the fuck do you always
have to feel so much?
why can’t you be hard as ice?
at least this way
you wouldn’t be as pathetic as you look
right now
with these childish tears
as if someone took your teddy bear

see? that’s the price
of making yourself so vulnerable
that’s the price
of love
you can only get how much you deserve
you’re fated to be hurt

stupid girl,
why can’t you get over it?
why can’t you see that
this is not something that you
should give yourself away for like that?

it’s your damn fault.
so stop crying.

fatal

dazed, i can’t see a thing
all the noise is muffled out
all i can hear are undistinguished noises
calling my name
the bullet went right through me
and left me bleeding
you said the words
you were the one who
issued the command
you killed me
you killed me?
my head hits the ground
everything is a blur
completely vulnerable
i was utterly vulnerable in front of you
but you had no mercy
you just shot at me
i didn’t have my bulletproof vest on
so you took advantage
now i’m here on the ground
tears and blood mix on the tile
where have you gone?
what did you do with the one
who loved me?
your lack of faith overpowered you
and you became someone else
what kind of monster are you
to crush my heart this way
i can’t stay here
i have to run away
i have to distance myself from you
i don’t care what people say
will i ever heal?
god, this hurts so much
i can feel my insides trying to escape
through my bloodied fingers
i just want to forget
why is the
nothingness
taking so
long
?
you
shot
at
me
you
had
no
mercy
the
truth
was
like
ice
like
a
knife
stabbing
through
i
can’t
breathe
every
damn
thing
is
slowly
d
i
s
a
p
p
e
a
r
i
n
g
.
.
.