Spiraling out of control

What should I do?
What should I aim for?
I hate it
I love it
The uncertainty
The call
Is lulling me
Into sleep deprived thoughts
Should I emerge out of these illusions?
So many roads
And so many sins I need to
Atone for
Humility is a challenge
So I continue weeping
Waiting for someone to find me
Waiting for the apology
That will never come
We all have our heavy crosses
But still we go on
And I can’t stop now that I’ve begun
So feel the water run its course
And move on
Even if your track
Spirals out
Of
Control
…?

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Pilot

This is the end of a journey. We are now in a stage where all we can see is the night, pitch black, with only the moon to guide us as the sole light. We are almost at the top. The way was so rocky, just like we know it. But in our hearts, we all know it was worth it. All the suffering, all the crying, all the strength employed in this hike, all of it had a meaning, and it’s just so beautiful. Holding hands, we are all destined for something greater, for something that will launch us into a new world, a new view, a new sky… We will be free, finally. We will be able to live our lives the way we want it. 

But this is not just the end, and we know it. We are aware that there is a way much harder than before, waiting for us after this milestone. But just like a child filled with wonder, we will brave this way with curiosity. Just like an innocent child, we will look at the scorpion and think it pretty because it is shiny. And we’ll be disappointed, and sad, when things don’t go the way we expected. But we will heal and move on to even bigger things. We will transcend this reality that we were born in, and fly higher than ever before. We will win. 

So this is the end. But it’s also the pilot episode of this new season of our lives. 

This is me not giving up

You made the silence even more suffocating. But there was nothing I could do and, as you faded away, so did the day. 
But I can’t worry about that now. We’re in a race to the top, holding our breaths and waiting for the mountain to allow us to see the view. 

So I can’t stop to look for you now. 

But this is not the end, because I can’t let you go, at least not now, when I still hear the bells singing whenever I wake up. 

So it’s not now, but… Eventually it will be. 

And the view in front of us will be magnificent. 

What if things are not okay at the end?

What if you’ve worked so hard but you never achieve that thing you’re looking for?

The peace I’ve always wanted may not be coming at all. I’ve given my blood, I’ve given my body, my mind, my everything for it, and in the end I may not receive it.

What kind of world is this?

“Work hard”, the posters say, “and your dreams will come true”. But I’ve worked for so many days and all the good it did was give me a few health problems and a little practice on something so specific I may not be able to use it at all. What experience is this?

And she – the boss – wants me to stay longer in this job, to postpone my leave! Are you f***ing kidding me?

My chest hurts. I’m too stressed out. I can’t sleep properly. I have big challenges coming in college. My senior thesis isn’t going to write itself.

The answer is NO, Miss!

No way I’m staying longer than necessary. I’m running and never looking back.

There has to be something better out there for me.

Try to cage me and I’ll fly even farther

I’m sorry if my words hurt you. But I know that you know they have at least some truth in them. You give me love and care. But you don’t give me freedom. Freedom to make my own choices. Freedom to have experiences. Freedom to talk to you. When I try to break free, you just give me that sarcastic smile and reinforce the shackles that imprison me to you. I can’t be what I really want to be because you make me feel like I have something to prove. So, I try to live by your standards, but I’m not happy. If I could be anywhere else but here, I would be. You don’t see what this is doing to me. I’m young, but I feel old, seeing the years slip by through my fingers without being able to do anything about it.

You don’t see me breaking.

And that’s why you’ll never see me leaving.