I was looking at old photos again. It seems that, everytime something major in my life is changing, I get this urge to look at old pictures and compare that time with the present, and also imagine what it would be like to travel to the past and what I would change. I know I can’t go back and stop certain things from happening, or do things I wish I had done before. But this exercise makes me remember who I am now and why. Everything that I’ve been through.
Now as I’m in a phase of transformation, of endings, of begginings, I feel this urge more than ever. I often catch myself thinking about high school and the freshman year in college, meditating about all the people I’ve met and had to let go, and all the achievements I reached.
But today I feel differently… Like some of the things in my life have come full circle.
In the past, I always used to worry about being alone forever. Now I know I’m never going to be alone. Even if I end up living completely by myself, I’ll never be alone, because my friends and family will always stay in my heart. Their love will never leave me. The happy memories will also be here, they’re engraved in the stars, never to disappear.
So now I’m feeling nostalgic and, at the same time, hopeful.
Here’s to tomorrow.
I was afraid
Things wouldn’t stay the same
If I went all the way
I was afraid you’d leave
Once you saw the real me
Once all my problems came between
What we precariously have
I was afraid of trusting
Of giving it my all
When everything you did was
Assure me I wouldn’t fall
But above all else
I was afraid of something
I’d never thought I’d be again
Of being alone
But now I remembered
Who I really am
I am the girl who makes plans
To be so independent she won’t need a man
To travel the whole world just to prove
That she can be whole
With being just by herself
And I kind of forgot all that
With your eyes like that
Like a sea that swallowed me entirely
And made me wish I’d never rise up from it again
But while I love you – and
Be sure that I do – I need to
Be myself by myself
To correct some things that are missing
I need to be sure of myself
That I can survive without you
That I can live alone
Don’t take it the wrong way
I love you until the end of my days
That’s how I feel right now
But I have to prepare for the future
And I have to stand on something
So I won’t fall for everything
I need to open my eyes to see
That there is a world beyond this
You don’t need to go away and I understand that
But I feel this urge to fight my way out from here
So I won’t be stuck in a deadly circle
So understand when I have to be alone
Understand me when my introvertedness acts up
I need to center myself
I need to be with myself
Before I can be with you.