feeling like

i wasn’t good enough

i wasn’t able

to hear anything at all

my fingers

clenched themselves

in front of the

problems on the shelf

i couldn’t align

anything anymore

when i started

floating away

and the sky above me

turned to gray

i didn’t let you

finish your sentence

i just wanted to find

a way to end this

but giving up

never crossed your mind

and with these

strong arms of yours

you held me

and looked me

in the eyes.

 

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This is me not giving up

You made the silence even more suffocating. But there was nothing I could do and, as you faded away, so did the day. 
But I can’t worry about that now. We’re in a race to the top, holding our breaths and waiting for the mountain to allow us to see the view. 

So I can’t stop to look for you now. 

But this is not the end, because I can’t let you go, at least not now, when I still hear the bells singing whenever I wake up. 

So it’s not now, but… Eventually it will be. 

And the view in front of us will be magnificent. 

Full circle

I was looking at old photos again. It seems that, everytime something major in my life is changing, I get this urge to look at old pictures and compare that time with the present, and also imagine what it would be like to travel to the past and what I would change. I know I can’t go back and stop certain things from happening, or do things I wish I had done before. But this exercise makes me remember who I am now and why. Everything that I’ve been through.

Now as I’m in a phase of transformation, of endings, of begginings, I feel this urge more than ever. I often catch myself thinking about high school and the freshman year in college, meditating about all the people I’ve met and had to let go, and all the achievements I reached.

But today I feel differently… Like some of the things in my life have come full circle.

In the past, I always used to worry about being alone forever. Now I know I’m never going to be alone. Even if I end up living completely by myself, I’ll never be alone, because my friends and family will always stay in my heart. Their love will never leave me. The happy memories will also be here, they’re engravedĀ in the stars, never to disappear.

So now I’m feeling nostalgic and, at the same time, hopeful.

Here’s to tomorrow.

carpe diem

the old saying goes
if you don’t know
just enjoy it
everything will turn out fine

but maybe we won’t be fine
and the sky will fall on top of us
maybe we’ll trip over a rock
and the road will split

but i can’t think about it now
i can’t worry, you say,
so i try my best to stop myself
from trying to read the stars

so just come with me
even if our walk is clumsy
i will try my best not to let you fall
we’ve got at least this end

taken care of

time out

i should explain
the reason why i’ve been
looking empty lately
it’s the least i can do

i love you
you know that
and i know that you love me too
and i understand why you would
not want to risk anything

however
it doesn’t hurt less
because to me it felt
like you said you would
not even try to make
this thing between us
work

and i’m unexperienced
naive and stupid
and somehow i believed – i hoped
– you would not think this way
but you did
and i bled
and the red stains the carpet
even now.

i guess something broke in me
the illusion died
the smile faded
i am never able to pretend
everything is 100%
fine

i was unfair
we’re still in the beginning
somehow i forgot that
so i’m sorry i dumped so many expectations
on top of you

but i won’t apologize
for the crazy thoughts
that went through my head
they are mine
the feelings
everything
has my name written all over it
so i won’t say i’m sorry for that.

so right now i just need some time
to organize what i’m feeling
to come to terms with reality
i don’t want to talk about it now
i’m still too hurt for that

so just give me time
and i’ll come back.

stupid girl

you have no right to cry
you were the one
who got too attached
you were the one who
gave it all away
you put yourself in this situation
it’s all your fault
why the fuck do you always
have to feel so much?
why can’t you be hard as ice?
at least this way
you wouldn’t be as pathetic as you look
right now
with these childish tears
as if someone took your teddy bear

see? that’s the price
of making yourself so vulnerable
that’s the price
of love
you can only get how much you deserve
you’re fated to be hurt

stupid girl,
why can’t you get over it?
why can’t you see that
this is not something that you
should give yourself away for like that?

it’s your damn fault.
so stop crying.