Full circle

I was looking at old photos again. It seems that, everytime something major in my life is changing, I get this urge to look at old pictures and compare that time with the present, and also imagine what it would be like to travel to the past and what I would change. I know I can’t go back and stop certain things from happening, or do things I wish I had done before. But this exercise makes me remember who I am now and why. Everything that I’ve been through.

Now as I’m in a phase of transformation, of endings, of begginings, I feel this urge more than ever. I often catch myself thinking about high school and the freshman year in college, meditating about all the people I’ve met and had to let go, and all the achievements I reached.

But today I feel differently… Like some of the things in my life have come full circle.

In the past, I always used to worry about being alone forever. Now I know I’m never going to be alone. Even if I end up living completely by myself, I’ll never be alone, because my friends and family will always stay in my heart. Their love will never leave me. The happy memories will also be here, they’re engravedĀ in the stars, never to disappear.

So now I’m feeling nostalgic and, at the same time, hopeful.

Here’s to tomorrow.

you wouldn’t say i’m a very strong person
but you could say i’ve had my share
of misfortunes and trippings
i’ve been to very strange places
this is not something new

but now i have a love in my hands
and it may break if i let it fall
so what to do when it’s at risk
of dripping right through my fingers
do i let it fall?

will you let it fall?
will you leave if i say
this is about to get
so much more complicated
than it was before?
will you accompany me?
will i have to get used
to not seeing you again?
will you stay?

i know i can be alone
i have a spirit strong enough to bear
a broken heart

but not knowing is hard
even more when so much is at stake
i know i can survive
but without you i’ll be hard to go on living
so tell me you’ll fight with me
to protect our love.

What if things are not okay at the end?

What if you’ve worked so hard but you never achieve that thing you’re looking for?

The peace I’ve always wanted may not be coming at all. I’ve given my blood, I’ve given my body, my mind, my everything for it, and in the end I may not receive it.

What kind of world is this?

“Work hard”, the posters say, “and your dreams will come true”. But I’ve worked for so many days and all the good it did was give me a few health problems and a little practice on something so specific I may not be able to use it at all. What experience is this?

And she – the boss – wants me to stay longer in this job, to postpone my leave! Are you f***ing kidding me?

My chest hurts. I’m too stressed out. I can’t sleep properly. I have big challenges coming in college. My senior thesis isn’t going to write itself.

The answer is NO, Miss!

No way I’m staying longer than necessary. I’m running and never looking back.

There has to be something better out there for me.

A grey day

The rain is falling 

Gently caressing 

You don’t know what you did to me

You don’t know how that affected me

You don’t care and you don’t realize

And I’ve been killing myself 

Trying to find a reason why 

But now the rain has run its course

The sadness and rage are over

What you are to me is nothing 

Nothing more than a memory

Nothing more than a lesson

My heart was broken and I fell

But this is not the end of me 

All this hate inside of me 

I let it take over me

But no more

I let you go 

I finally let you leave my mind

Never to come back again

I finally see what I was missing 

The sun will shine once more. 

Try to cage me and I’ll fly even farther

I’m sorry if my words hurt you. But I know that you know they have at least some truth in them. You give me love and care. But you don’t give me freedom. Freedom to make my own choices. Freedom to have experiences. Freedom to talk to you. When I try to break free, you just give me that sarcastic smile and reinforce the shackles that imprison me to you. I can’t be what I really want to be because you make me feel like I have something to prove. So, I try to live by your standards, but I’m not happy. If I could be anywhere else but here, I would be. You don’t see what this is doing to me. I’m young, but I feel old, seeing the years slip by through my fingers without being able to do anything about it.

You don’t see me breaking.

And that’s why you’ll never see me leaving.

Just go

You’ve been through darkness
You’ve been feeling weak
Doubting if you can do it
Feeling completely alone
Your past isn’t a great one
Your memories have scratches
Sometimes you still bleed
When you touch them and remember

You feel like the light is dimming down
But look at the sun and you’ll find out
Your past may have been a great
Part of what you are but
Everyday the sun dies and again it wakes up
There’s nothing standing in your way
But your own fears
You’ve cried yourself to sleep
But this is not the time to stay still
So make a choice and take a stand
For yourself and your tears
Look at the injustice of it all
And work hard to make it fall

Because no matter how much
You have suffered and felt pain
You can still do it, you still have
The strength to keep walking ahead
Even if you think you’ll only fail
Change your mind to a brand new light
And imagine how much happiness
You’ll feel when you strive
When you reach the sun
Your wings won’t burn

Just go
Even if the fear is paralyzing you
Even if your legs are trembling
Find your center, something to live for
And just go
Never stop.

Still yawning, she made her way to her desk. It was messy, like all the mornings before. Her computer was put aside and there were clothes strewn around everywhere. She was still tired, even though she slept soundly through almost nine hours, and the girl thought about giving up. Just rest. There was no hurry, after all. But she remembered that there were too many things to do and she realized that, if she could do at least one of them, it would be progress. In her vains ran the blood of strong women. So she cleaned her desk and got started.